Thursday, April 8, 2010

Re: Hey

I kind of expected hearing that from my mom. I mean a couple of months ago I told her how in the future I didn't really see myself with anyone and that ideally I would just be in a loft doing my art and being surrounded by it. THAT'S what would make me content. And at that moment she at least got behind me on my need to do art and nothing else, but she was like "Oh Steven, don't say that to your mom, I want you to have a family..." So it was a repeat of that. We cried a bit together. We are really close, which is one thing that they blamed themselves for. I don't understand this blaming business. My dad also blamed himself for being away on business for a lot of my childhood. I haven't talked to him yet.

As far as John goes, we had a night our last year, I think, where we talked about all of that stuff. What bothered us about each other in the beginning, what has changed, what still lingers, etc. The night at Lana's, I ended up staying at the apt because they decided to leave like an hour before we were supposed to return and I thought that was a waste seeing as how we were supposed to leave like two hours before then. And then Lana told me that he was talking a lot of shit about me and I was like, yeah people who think of themselves as "friends" shouldn't do that, especially about stupid things like that. Also, before we moved out we also lightly discussed the fact that we probably wouldn't really talk once we left. It was done kind of jokingly, but I think we both kinda believed it. I texted him once after moving out and he was surprised and was like "So...I guess we are talking...?". This was before Lana's.
I kinda felt like you did have some issues with me, but figured it was something that you didn't care to resolve. I had always considered you to be one of my better friends but had noticed that changing on some of the visits. Could you let me know a little more specifically about the closing off, or the hurtful things I have said? I know that in the beginning I was VERY closed off, sarcastic, defensive, and judgemental, but that was all just how I had learned to be from school and parts of growing up with my family. My family tends to joke a lot and avoid more of the serious issues, we also tend to not speak about the problems we are having. If we are mad at each other or something, we tend to ignore it until we forget about it. I have been learning how to get away from these things, but honestly I know that I still do some occasionally. And I have learned that some people are fine with the sarcasm and others are not. So I am sorry about all of that, and I am glad that you shared that with me.

I don't think I have carried any resentment towards you. Like I said, I have grown up with being able to, or forced to, expel certain things in order to realize the more important ones. Therefore, I'm pretty sure things have come up but I have gotten over them on my own. The only thing that has hurt me has been on certain trips up when I felt that you didn't really want to see me or talk to me especially since I DID feel like we were good friends. It felt like you were just counting down the minutes until I left, which was probably what you were doing, considering how I made you feel. I think you should know that when I spend time with people I usually want to either do an activity, or talk and it is difficult to do both at times. Because of this, a lot of visits are me wanting to do San Francisco stuff that I haven't been able to do in a while, as well as getting to talk. I think that with the amount of time we spend when we DO hang out is not enough for both, and I have always felt that sharing myself with others is boring for them and that they would rather be doing an activity.

So there it is. Also, I think you should know that I don't judge the people that I consider my true friends, and just in general, I have learned to judge people a lot less...unless it comes to art, but then again I'm judging the art not the people.

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