Dearest Diana,
I am sitting at a plaza with a fountain downtown before I start my night shift at the market. I got your letter today. I always love receiving mail from you. Your letter found me at a very challenging point in my life, and it made me feel much better. So much is going on right now. I've had a horrendous cough for a month now that I'm sure is being prolonged by my own bad habits. I'm also getting all four of my wisdom teeth taken out next week. They are impacted and infected (Dan is taking me to get them out).
Have I also mentioned, that much to my dismay I am hopelessly in love. I believe it is real this time. I am scared shitless. This past Thursday Dan attempted to break stuff off with me. This happened to be the same day of my worst nervous breakdown I've had to date. His reasoning was that A.) I've not shown enough self-respect in my previous relationships and B.) He doesn't trust me and I haven't shown him/told him that I really like him. All of this came to me as a complete shock, as I feel that he's the first guy in a long while that I have trusted to be myself around and talk about my past with. I broke down, cried, told him I really cared (possibly loved) him etc. I guess this seemed like a good enough reason to stay with me and now everything is fine again.
However, I feel myself feeling even more nervous than before. It is disappointing when you put yourself out there, only to have it used against you. I miss you very much, and it is so hard not having someone so grounded around me. Your logic, sensitivity and dear sense of self is so admirable. I am so glad that you are trying to find some joy in living in LA even though it doesn't feel like home anymore. I can relate, as few places feel like home to me as well. As cliche as it sounds, home is just where there are people who love you and will always think you're amazing no matter what. I'm jealous that you're in school. I'm feeling no real sense of purpose lately. (I think you'd be a wonderful teacher by the way). I do not feel creative, or that I can express myself well at all right now. I'm just merely floating, working, looking forward to trips, reading, watching movies. Life isn't all too interesting at the moment. I wish we were living in the same city again. When I was in Portland, I spoke with a barista for awhile at this amazing cafe in the "Alphabet District" (very cute neighborhood). He was telling me about this trip he had taken with his girlfriend to her hometown in Massachusetts. Her hometown was a small coastal town untouched by modern urbanization. He said it was ridiculously quaint, very foggy, and full of whales (yes whales!). He said he watched them every morning with his coffee. This made me consider east coast living, and more importantly smaller living. I need some simple happiness and perhaps some fog again in my life. Something like Maine, Rhode Island, or Delaware might be in my future? Did I mention I miss you. Sounds like you're finding your way and I am so very happy for you. Let's exchange mix CD's with our next letter?
Much Love,
xoxo
