Thursday, April 29, 2010


How are you doing? Fine I hope. As for me o.k. This is the same day my friends call. No more of my friends will call you again. I told him to tell you what happened that is it. But he just want to talk for a long time. But nobody disrespect me at all. He is a good friend but if he don't do what I tell him he is no friend of mine. Try to understand what I am saying. If I was in his place all I would do is tell his family what he said and that was it. Some of these guys up here if you keep talking to them for long they want to call you back you understand. Then I would have to do 3 years to 9 for killing him. But if anybody else from now on call you and say it is me no it please. right now I am up but because all that time you were talking and I don't know what it was about. you are not going to tel me. I got on his ass when he told me he told you I was smoking. I wanted to beat the shit out of him but there is no way I can get out of my cell. I won't be happy until I find out what he said on the phone to you. What is up with Gloria I wrote to her two time unless this is not the address...if that is not the address she gave me or I mispell it let me know or tell her to write and I will get the address that way. I wrote this to my exgirl tell me how it sounds. (I understand how difficult for you during this time of sepuration because I to am suffering. I also experience the lovelessness at night and the anger at life because of our situation. I'm sorry for the times I'm not there to share your happiness. I'm sorry for the times on the phone when I make small talk and all you need is a hug. But there is one thing I am not sorry for and that's loving you. our time apart is small when compared to a lifetime of togetherness. If we are strong our love will not go away rather it will grow stronger with each passing day.) What do you think about it? Let me know. I am reading a letter you wrote to me. I think it was the first one. Date is 1/26/89. For some reason I just can't stop reading it. you ask a question. If I was the only man in the world, would I be happy with myself? No I would not be...I love you a lot.

P.S. Tell your friend to write to me. I must say she sound sweet on the phone.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Sunday, December 2, 1984

Hello, How are you? It's been a long time since we've communicated, but that's not to say I have forgotten about any of you.
Thank you very much for the beautiful chain you sent. When you told me about it you described it as nothing much, but you were wrong. It is much more than just a chain. It is a token of our friendship, and it came at a time when I needed something like that. Also, thanks for my pen; I didn't know I had left it there.
I spoke with your mother briefly the day I went to pick up the chain. She seemed perfectly satisfied with her trip to California and particularly glad to have seen all of you. She told me that you guys went to quiet cannon. That was nice of you to have taken her there. She also told me that [the girls] had an accident on your table. I hope they didn't hurt themselves.
Well, I have not really spoken to you about my father's death and how it has affected us. We spoke just a little bit the day I came back but I really was not in a condition to go into details. Needless to say that it hurts. You knew my father. He was a happy man, never did anyone any wrong. That is what hurt the most. Not the fact that I lost a father, but the fact that I lost such a good and loving father. It seemed pretty damned unfair for him to be taken like that all of a sudden, but what can we do if it was god's will. It is a difficult adjustment, and it seems that as more time goes by the more I miss him. My mother held up pretty strongly. My sister was deeply hurt, my brother too-- but I don't know about Rauphy, he holds too much inside. We are all trying to make due with each other now and I hope this has taught us all a lesson. I know I have learned one. Time is very short and we should do the best we can to try to live happily while we are here.
Besides that, everything is pretty much the same. Oh, I'd like to add that Howard proved very supportive of me during this period. He showed me how much he really cares about me-- which is a lot. But that is another story which is not the subject of this letter.
I did something for myself. I bought a new car. I bought a Mazda GLC, 1985. It's charcoal. When you come to New York, soon I hope, we can hang out outside of the city.
Now, tell me about yourself. How are things with you. How are things with you and Charlie? I do hope that you work things out because there is a lot of crap out there (meaning men) and despite any faults you may think he has, you should weigh them against his good qualities. How is Sylvia doing with her new home and her boyfriend. Good I hope. I really do think that she is a decent girl and does have good ideas, though a bit young-- but we were all at that stage once before. And Rita? Rumor has it that she is coming to New York for Christmas. Is there any truth to this rumor? And how is Linda? Do you see her much?
Before this letter gets too long and boring and you put it down without finishing reading it, I'll cut it short. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive and carry you in my heart as always. I know you are very busy, but do try to write a few lines to let me know how you are. Give my regards to all. Take care of yourself.


Thursday, April 15, 2010

Josh & Laura

I'm not quite sure about what I like about Laura but there are small things that I do like that she does. This will not be a list. I like how when I do need her she is there for me. Like when I need a ride or favor she will do it for me. I like watching movies with her and even being around her when she's with her friends. I enjoy her company all of the time even if she is in her shitty moods. I like being welcome in her home. I like to watch her dance and even just move like from one room to another, nothing crazy but I like the way she carries herself. I like that she is very caring but that she may not be the best at showing it. On the other hand there are many things I could do without. Most important to me is her ability to be open minded. I do not think she is at all. I hate that she is her way or no way all the time. I hate it when she smokes for no reason. She has one drink and then she needs to smoke. Her attitude towards others is good but often does not give everyone a chance. I hate when she tries to get involved in other peoples relationships. She needs to leave everyone else alone and worry about what she has and what she is missing out on not what everyone else is missing. Quit living for what's far ahead and take every day to improve something or make something happen. I hate that she does not let people get close to her and she does not have good answers for it. I hate that she never has good answers for anything. I hate how little things can affect her so much her attitude changes completely. I hate, almost as much as her not being open-minded, when she'd rather talk to her friends about our relationship instead of speaking to me. I really think that is unfair. Then other people know what is going on before I do. I hate that she thinks she is showing emotions towards myself and that she is putting an effort into our relationship but I really do not think she is. I think she has bars or a guard around her and I think she is scared of something more than a relationship. I think there is room for her to loosen up and let go a little bit but overall I do like her and enjoy being around her.

1, 2

I really don't know what to say. All I know is that when I saw that ugly motherfucker walking down the stairs, contrary to what I have been taught, the only thing in my mind was violence. I was very close to it.
But I looked at the kids and rationalized. Right now their both innocent and they don't deserve to see any spectacles.
I must admit though, I ran 5 miles, worked out and still wasn't able to fall asleep.
Anyhow I bought this small gift for you before I went to Mexico. I was going to find an appropriate time to give it to you when I got back.
Since I don't think there will be one in the near future I thought I should give it to you now. Don't lose it like you did the bicycle.
I don't think I want to see you. I doubt that I will be able to be as rational the next time.
I really know none of the problems we've had have been your fault. I'm an irresponsible person to live with and even more so to understand. How can one understand another who is barely on the verge of understanding himself. That's probably the reason why I've only had one long term relationship. Make it an even eight years May 20th.
Just remember, I've always thought you were a cut above the rest, so treat yourself in that fashion.
When you mentioned you would put yourself so far out of reach from me I wouldn't be able to touch you, I knew what you meant. I also know that right now I wouldn't be able to communicate verbally with you and make any sense because of the anger I hold, which is dormant now but can wake at any time.
I'll try to figure out a way to communicate with you so that you can have the kids ready for me when I pick them up.
I think I've broken another barrier by writing this letter. Normally I just shun myself from everything. But we've known each other too long for that to happen. Even though it took me approx. 10 hrs. to write this letter.

P.S. No offense to the ugly stupid motherfucker that was walking down the stairs. I've seen him but I don't know him.
I would call anybody names that was walking down the stairs. But He wouldn't be there unless he was invited.


Thursday, April 8, 2010

Re: Hey

I kind of expected hearing that from my mom. I mean a couple of months ago I told her how in the future I didn't really see myself with anyone and that ideally I would just be in a loft doing my art and being surrounded by it. THAT'S what would make me content. And at that moment she at least got behind me on my need to do art and nothing else, but she was like "Oh Steven, don't say that to your mom, I want you to have a family..." So it was a repeat of that. We cried a bit together. We are really close, which is one thing that they blamed themselves for. I don't understand this blaming business. My dad also blamed himself for being away on business for a lot of my childhood. I haven't talked to him yet.

As far as John goes, we had a night our last year, I think, where we talked about all of that stuff. What bothered us about each other in the beginning, what has changed, what still lingers, etc. The night at Lana's, I ended up staying at the apt because they decided to leave like an hour before we were supposed to return and I thought that was a waste seeing as how we were supposed to leave like two hours before then. And then Lana told me that he was talking a lot of shit about me and I was like, yeah people who think of themselves as "friends" shouldn't do that, especially about stupid things like that. Also, before we moved out we also lightly discussed the fact that we probably wouldn't really talk once we left. It was done kind of jokingly, but I think we both kinda believed it. I texted him once after moving out and he was surprised and was like "So...I guess we are talking...?". This was before Lana's.
I kinda felt like you did have some issues with me, but figured it was something that you didn't care to resolve. I had always considered you to be one of my better friends but had noticed that changing on some of the visits. Could you let me know a little more specifically about the closing off, or the hurtful things I have said? I know that in the beginning I was VERY closed off, sarcastic, defensive, and judgemental, but that was all just how I had learned to be from school and parts of growing up with my family. My family tends to joke a lot and avoid more of the serious issues, we also tend to not speak about the problems we are having. If we are mad at each other or something, we tend to ignore it until we forget about it. I have been learning how to get away from these things, but honestly I know that I still do some occasionally. And I have learned that some people are fine with the sarcasm and others are not. So I am sorry about all of that, and I am glad that you shared that with me.

I don't think I have carried any resentment towards you. Like I said, I have grown up with being able to, or forced to, expel certain things in order to realize the more important ones. Therefore, I'm pretty sure things have come up but I have gotten over them on my own. The only thing that has hurt me has been on certain trips up when I felt that you didn't really want to see me or talk to me especially since I DID feel like we were good friends. It felt like you were just counting down the minutes until I left, which was probably what you were doing, considering how I made you feel. I think you should know that when I spend time with people I usually want to either do an activity, or talk and it is difficult to do both at times. Because of this, a lot of visits are me wanting to do San Francisco stuff that I haven't been able to do in a while, as well as getting to talk. I think that with the amount of time we spend when we DO hang out is not enough for both, and I have always felt that sharing myself with others is boring for them and that they would rather be doing an activity.

So there it is. Also, I think you should know that I don't judge the people that I consider my true friends, and just in general, I have learned to judge people a lot less...unless it comes to art, but then again I'm judging the art not the people.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Fri, 4/14/06 11:34 PM

Everything is falling down around me now. Crashing one by one like a Nazi firing squad. How did I get here? When did I lose my sanity? Do I have any idea what’s going on? All questions that I’ll never be able to answer. It’s all these assholes’ fault. Everyone in my life. They all sit around me and appreciate me and it’s sickening. They’re all idiots. They should spend their time doing more productive things instead of caring about me. Maybe they could build dams in Guatemala. Or sell crack on the streets of New York. Either way, they’d be making progress. Caring about me is like driving down a dead end road at 200 miles an hour. Oh you’ll get to the end alright, you’ll just never be satisfied when you’re there. You’ll only be disappointed. Yes there’s an on-ramp that takes you back to the beginning again, but you’re running lower and lower on gasoline every time. I don’t think anyone has run out yet, but I’m sure that a few of them are running on fumes. Their fuel gauges are all fucked up anyway. You can never trust those bastards. I need some grass or whiskey or something. Something to smooth these nerves. Every month I slowly wind myself tighter and tighter until, at the end of the month, I finally let loose in a tidal wave of shit. It’s like the Berlin wall coming down, only it stands for the opposite. It stands for injustice, and lack of reasoning. It all comes down to holding everyone I care about to higher standards. Maybe it’s common practice among people (or loonies), but I think I do it to extremes. I put them down for doing things that I do ten times over. But why? Because I think they’re better than me? Shit no, they’re swine. I’m the supreme King. But WHY then? Maybe it’s because I want to feel special. Or that they’re all characters in my masterpiece, and if they don’t go by my script there’ll be hell to pay. Shit, if they do something I don’t like they’ll get the silent treatment. The guillotine. Hell, maybe turn the Nazi firing squad on them. See how THEY like it. Put them inside my brain, onstage, front and center. Throw these rotten thoughts at them until they squirm. Hateful tomatoes and psychotic lettuce. Shit, that’s the ultimate punishment, being inside my head. If my mind were a form of punishment it would have been banned in the 1800’s, and they were sick fuckers back then. Lynchings, be-headings, flourishing art. But do they all really deserve this? No, not at all. I love them. But why beat them down with my negative attitude then? Because I can. They’ll keep coming back for more. They’re addicted, and like any good dealer, I abuse them. Raise the prices. My stock is rising, so why not have a little fun? Flex my controlling muscles? Because it’s WRONG, that’s why! What kind of sick fucker thinks like this? Hopefully a dead one. So I cool it. Hang out. Don’t be so critical. Let the chips fall. Then, when no one is looking, pick them all up and hoard them in some dark corner of my brain. Keep tabs on everything that everyone does, so that when the time is right I can remind them of that time they accidentally stepped on my toe in second grade. Then they’ll pay, oh yes. Silence again. Maybe some machine gun fire. What a grand old time it’ll be. They’ll rue the day they cared about me, oh yes. I’ll see to it.
Gibberish! Blasphemy! All crazy thoughts. Lock them away in that little black box in the back. No one will touch it until one day a new family moves in and some unsuspecting kid opens it and unleashes it all once again. Every month. New family, same results. I feel different, but end up in the same place. Less and less fuel. How long can I maintain before I take a different road? Is there a hidden off-ramp somewhere? Am I missing an important sign? I know what everyone is going to do and I know exactly how to get what I want. It’s a horrible curse. How do I rid myself of this skill. Frontal lobotomy? Electric shock? Heavy substance abuse? Cross dressing? No one knows, but one thing is for sure: I’ll undoubtedly be tuning in to some random AM station to listen for accident reports. Wherever I’m going, it’ll be a smooth ride. No unexpected stops. Full speed ahead, all the way. I can only ask one thing, and that is that you have some sympathy and some taste. If not, then at least have a large bottle of gin or a hammer waiting for me.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Dear Samantha,

So it's 10:50 p.m. and I have a midterm tomorrow which I still haven't studied for. I seem to be a big fan of winging things. Instead, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I fall in love with that movie every time I watch it. It's so beautiful, but sad. Anyway, now I'm listening to The Swell Season simultaneously thinking about high school and forgetting things. As strange as that time in our lives is and how silly and irrational the teen mind is, there's something about that moment we always want to recapture but somehow seem to push ourselves further away from. Lately I've been missing the 16 year old Jess. Don't you ever miss that Sam? I always think about the time we were discussing change and you said that people don't ever really change. I feel that that's true, and if it is maybe we should stop trying to change and just accept ourselves. I bet if our younger selves ever got to hang out with our older selves they would think we were pretty cool! They wouldn't see all the anxiety we have within us because of our own destructive thoughts. Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is that maybe we should cut the expectations, stop trying to move forward and be something new and different. Instead, let's go backwards. And by backwards I don't mean regress, I mean recapture the people we've already been because those are the people we are. Every time I'm done writing to you I'm not sure if I've made any sense, but I trust in your ability to make sense out of my nonsense. In conclusion, I love you and I hope everything is great where you are.