9/21/08

What's up brother?
Where art thou? I have not heard from you it's like you fell off the face of the earth. We had such big plans what happened? I pray & hope that you are in the best of help & ok. I miss you bro this is just a bump in the road for me. How long I will be here fighting I'm not sure of, you know the deal. While I was in Dublin and Alameda I was praying every night that the lord would get me a good lawyer. His word says that only he can save me & not my money. I got arraighed & this guy comes up to me & said that he called down the court house & told them he was available for this case. Obviously he wanted it & Cambridge & I start asking about my lawyer George Murphy & everybody says to me how did you get him? He doesn't just take any case he's big bucks! Even the cops at superior you know the ones who bring us to see the judge, they said to me I'm in good hands. My lawyer is one of the best in the state at least in the top 10 he don't take no crap from anyone! He was a DA for 20 years in Lowell I guess. All I need him to do is prove my innocence now his credentials speak for themselves. Oh yeah our old friend Mike Nazario came through here about a year ago. He was arrested for rape! He lives in Everret I heard on lane st or line st something like that. Remember Cosmo ? His case well he was looking at 12 years and it got dropped to aggravated assault or something stupid like that. 2 years probation. Same lawyer I got. He paid big bucks.
On another note I saw my boys, they are huge. Dominic is taller than Stacey and baby look like the white guy on Kings and Queens. He's a little truck! Man I love them. Stacy said she loves me but her actions prove otherwise. She looks broken. My real mom came up. Both mom and sister and my other 2 sisters came, Kerry and Katrine. There's really nothing here for me. when I get out I want to go back to Cali. Somewhere warm! People are the same no changes everybody for themselves makes me sick. Did your daughter ever come out to see you in June? I hope she did and that you had a great time with her! I know that is your pride and joy Dylan and Tess and rightfully so. I hopw I'm still 3rd! :) Anything good happening with you and Jay? Or how about Red? Tell him I send my respect.I could use a little canteen $ maybe a book or 2 get off your fat ass and write me a letter! I'm doing OK. I miss your smart ass jokes and breakfast at the diner. You're not forgotten I brag about you to my buddies, Get your shit together and write me you bum! I expected to hear from you first! I will keep praying for you "Dirty Vato." Take care and God Bless. Love that ass. I am Shawn.

Friends!

Dearest Diana,
I am sitting at a plaza with a fountain downtown before I start my night shift at the market. I got your letter today. I always love receiving mail from you. Your letter found me at a very challenging point in my life, and it made me feel much better. So much is going on right now. I've had a horrendous cough for a month now that I'm sure is being prolonged by my own bad habits. I'm also getting all four of my wisdom teeth taken out next week. They are impacted and infected (Dan is taking me to get them out).
Have I also mentioned, that much to my dismay I am hopelessly in love. I believe it is real this time. I am scared shitless. This past Thursday Dan attempted to break stuff off with me. This happened to be the same day of my worst nervous breakdown I've had to date. His reasoning was that A.) I've not shown enough self-respect in my previous relationships and B.) He doesn't trust me and I haven't shown him/told him that I really like him. All of this came to me as a complete shock, as I feel that he's the first guy in a long while that I have trusted to be myself around and talk about my past with. I broke down, cried, told him I really cared (possibly loved) him etc. I guess this seemed like a good enough reason to stay with me and now everything is fine again.
However, I feel myself feeling even more nervous than before. It is disappointing when you put yourself out there, only to have it used against you. I miss you very much, and it is so hard not having someone so grounded around me. Your logic, sensitivity and dear sense of self is so admirable. I am so glad that you are trying to find some joy in living in LA even though it doesn't feel like home anymore. I can relate, as few places feel like home to me as well. As cliche as it sounds, home is just where there are people who love you and will always think you're amazing no matter what. I'm jealous that you're in school. I'm feeling no real sense of purpose lately. (I think you'd be a wonderful teacher by the way). I do not feel creative, or that I can express myself well at all right now. I'm just merely floating, working, looking forward to trips, reading, watching movies. Life isn't all too interesting at the moment. I wish we were living in the same city again. When I was in Portland, I spoke with a barista for awhile at this amazing cafe in the "Alphabet District" (very cute neighborhood). He was telling me about this trip he had taken with his girlfriend to her hometown in Massachusetts. Her hometown was a small coastal town untouched by modern urbanization. He said it was ridiculously quaint, very foggy, and full of whales (yes whales!). He said he watched them every morning with his coffee. This made me consider east coast living, and more importantly smaller living. I need some simple happiness and perhaps some fog again in my life. Something like Maine, Rhode Island, or Delaware might be in my future? Did I mention I miss you. Sounds like you're finding your way and I am so very happy for you. Let's exchange mix CD's with our next letter?

Much Love,
xoxo

Sent: January 21, 2010 at 4:12pm

It's weird for me to have to write this. Isn't life crazy? One minute I feel like I'm at one point in my life and then BOOM in a flash, everything clears up, and before my very eyes I'm in another point of my life. I don't know, shits weird..

I first need to tell you that I still care about you and I absolutely would never regret or forget the memories we've had. You and all my Seton Hall friends were the reason why I loved that chapter of my life so much. They will always be some of my favorite days. I could only ever have love for everyone who was part of my life then. I could cry just thinking about it.

When I returned to New Jersey for a New Years visit I was literally high above the clouds. I felt like I was back with my people, it felt so good. I saw everyone I wanted to see in the short week that I was there, but I didn't see you. I remember sitting on the train going back to Jane's house from the City, thinking, "What the fuck? How did this happen?" I remember feeling like our relationship changed and over the summer I realized how this happened.

I should have known when you COMPLETELY ditched me on the very last night I was in New Jersey. Right before I was leaving Jersey for good. I was leaving! What the fuck! Remember when we made that pact that we would spend my last night together? That we would be with each other until I had to go? You specifically invited me, Stacy and Danny over for the night and then MAYBE (and I'm being very generous here) 20 minutes after getting to your house you booted us out? And you know, it was all because of Caroline.

I'll never forget how much I wanted to punch you and Caroline in the face. It was supposed to be MY night and just because Caroline was "tired" and, in my opinion, cranky as hell, we had to leave. If I knew it would have ended like that I would have stayed at Cryan's, where everyone was literally crying their eyes out and clinging onto me, begging me not to leave. I remember you and Caroline walked us out to our car and the last thing I did was hug you and it was the worst feeling hug I've ever had. You put Caroline before me on one of the most emotional nights of my life.

This is your issue: you always become completely absorbed and desperately entrenched in your relationships with girlfriends that everything else in your life goes to shit. Oh, and just a side note---this really sticks out to me--I knew the whole time that you cheated on Caroline with my best friend. Jane told me every little fucking thing you guys did and what was said. It makes my skin crawl that you did that and never voiced it to me. And another thing, I knew the whole time you were kicked out of the band. Again, you never said anything to me. I can remember when you still pretended like you were going on the Summer tour with them. You clearly weren't.

I am shaking as I write this because I want to smack you in the face for making me feel this way, but deep down my heart is throbbing because you aren't doing anything to change. You know, I've grown up so much since starting Graduate school at Pepperdine. So far, it has truly been an amazing experience and I wish everyone could experience this. I even think you could have this if you really tried. Life has offered us such beautiful paths and we are lucky for those opportunities. Why be lazy and waste them? Where is the motivation? We are seriously a lazy as fuck race.

I'm already writing way too much, more than I intended. Here are my last thoughts:
1. Please stay in therapy. I hope you have been going and if you aren't, that you go immediately. You can and will benefit from therapy. Please be motivated to go because there is a lot of shit you need to work out in your life and trust me the hard, emotional work is WORTH IT.
2. Stop dating these random ass girls. You need time to heal your own scars and you only deepen them with every maladaptive, insignificant, rushed relationship you enter. IT'S TIME FOR YOU. NOT FOR THEM.
3. Keep up with your music. You know, you're a lucky guy to have this talent. Don't be a fool and let it slip up. After all, it is your dream, right?

I'm sorry for not expressing these feelings to you earlier. I definitely should have. I don't want to talk to you for a while. You can respond to this if you want, but I can't say I'll respond back. I'll always be here, but this break is needed. We'll see if life will bring our paths together again. Keep smiling and take care.

5-6-89

How are you doing? Fine I hope. As for me o.k. This is the same day my friends call. No more of my friends will call you again. I told him to tell you what happened that is it. But he just want to talk for a long time. But nobody disrespect me at all. He is a good friend but if he don't do what I tell him he is no friend of mine. Try to understand what I am saying. If I was in his place all I would do is tell his family what he said and that was it. Some of these guys up here if you keep talking to them for long they want to call you back you understand. Then I would have to do 3 years to 9 for killing him. But if anybody else from now on call you and say it is me no it please. right now I am up but because all that time you were talking and I don't know what it was about. you are not going to tel me. I got on his ass when he told me he told you I was smoking. I wanted to beat the shit out of him but there is no way I can get out of my cell. I won't be happy until I find out what he said on the phone to you. What is up with Gloria I wrote to her two time unless this is not the address...if that is not the address she gave me or I mispell it let me know or tell her to write and I will get the address that way. I wrote this to my exgirl tell me how it sounds. (I understand how difficult for you during this time of sepuration because I to am suffering. I also experience the lovelessness at night and the anger at life because of our situation. I'm sorry for the times I'm not there to share your happiness. I'm sorry for the times on the phone when I make small talk and all you need is a hug. But there is one thing I am not sorry for and that's loving you. our time apart is small when compared to a lifetime of togetherness. If we are strong our love will not go away rather it will grow stronger with each passing day.) What do you think about it? Let me know. I am reading a letter you wrote to me. I think it was the first one. Date is 1/26/89. For some reason I just can't stop reading it. you ask a question. If I was the only man in the world, would I be happy with myself? No I would not be...I love you a lot.

P.S. Tell your friend to write to me. I must say she sound sweet on the phone.

Sunday, December 2, 1984

Hello, How are you? It's been a long time since we've communicated, but that's not to say I have forgotten about any of you.
Thank you very much for the beautiful chain you sent. When you told me about it you described it as nothing much, but you were wrong. It is much more than just a chain. It is a token of our friendship, and it came at a time when I needed something like that. Also, thanks for my pen; I didn't know I had left it there.
I spoke with your mother briefly the day I went to pick up the chain. She seemed perfectly satisfied with her trip to California and particularly glad to have seen all of you. She told me that you guys went to quiet cannon. That was nice of you to have taken her there. She also told me that [the girls] had an accident on your table. I hope they didn't hurt themselves.
Well, I have not really spoken to you about my father's death and how it has affected us. We spoke just a little bit the day I came back but I really was not in a condition to go into details. Needless to say that it hurts. You knew my father. He was a happy man, never did anyone any wrong. That is what hurt the most. Not the fact that I lost a father, but the fact that I lost such a good and loving father. It seemed pretty damned unfair for him to be taken like that all of a sudden, but what can we do if it was god's will. It is a difficult adjustment, and it seems that as more time goes by the more I miss him. My mother held up pretty strongly. My sister was deeply hurt, my brother too-- but I don't know about Rauphy, he holds too much inside. We are all trying to make due with each other now and I hope this has taught us all a lesson. I know I have learned one. Time is very short and we should do the best we can to try to live happily while we are here.
Besides that, everything is pretty much the same. Oh, I'd like to add that Howard proved very supportive of me during this period. He showed me how much he really cares about me-- which is a lot. But that is another story which is not the subject of this letter.
I did something for myself. I bought a new car. I bought a Mazda GLC, 1985. It's charcoal. When you come to New York, soon I hope, we can hang out outside of the city.
Now, tell me about yourself. How are things with you. How are things with you and Charlie? I do hope that you work things out because there is a lot of crap out there (meaning men) and despite any faults you may think he has, you should weigh them against his good qualities. How is Sylvia doing with her new home and her boyfriend. Good I hope. I really do think that she is a decent girl and does have good ideas, though a bit young-- but we were all at that stage once before. And Rita? Rumor has it that she is coming to New York for Christmas. Is there any truth to this rumor? And how is Linda? Do you see her much?
Before this letter gets too long and boring and you put it down without finishing reading it, I'll cut it short. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still alive and carry you in my heart as always. I know you are very busy, but do try to write a few lines to let me know how you are. Give my regards to all. Take care of yourself.

Love

Josh & Laura

I'm not quite sure about what I like about Laura but there are small things that I do like that she does. This will not be a list. I like how when I do need her she is there for me. Like when I need a ride or favor she will do it for me. I like watching movies with her and even being around her when she's with her friends. I enjoy her company all of the time even if she is in her shitty moods. I like being welcome in her home. I like to watch her dance and even just move like from one room to another, nothing crazy but I like the way she carries herself. I like that she is very caring but that she may not be the best at showing it. On the other hand there are many things I could do without. Most important to me is her ability to be open minded. I do not think she is at all. I hate that she is her way or no way all the time. I hate it when she smokes for no reason. She has one drink and then she needs to smoke. Her attitude towards others is good but often does not give everyone a chance. I hate when she tries to get involved in other peoples relationships. She needs to leave everyone else alone and worry about what she has and what she is missing out on not what everyone else is missing. Quit living for what's far ahead and take every day to improve something or make something happen. I hate that she does not let people get close to her and she does not have good answers for it. I hate that she never has good answers for anything. I hate how little things can affect her so much her attitude changes completely. I hate, almost as much as her not being open-minded, when she'd rather talk to her friends about our relationship instead of speaking to me. I really think that is unfair. Then other people know what is going on before I do. I hate that she thinks she is showing emotions towards myself and that she is putting an effort into our relationship but I really do not think she is. I think she has bars or a guard around her and I think she is scared of something more than a relationship. I think there is room for her to loosen up and let go a little bit but overall I do like her and enjoy being around her.

1, 2

I really don't know what to say. All I know is that when I saw that ugly motherfucker walking down the stairs, contrary to what I have been taught, the only thing in my mind was violence. I was very close to it.
But I looked at the kids and rationalized. Right now their both innocent and they don't deserve to see any spectacles.
I must admit though, I ran 5 miles, worked out and still wasn't able to fall asleep.
Anyhow I bought this small gift for you before I went to Mexico. I was going to find an appropriate time to give it to you when I got back.
Since I don't think there will be one in the near future I thought I should give it to you now. Don't lose it like you did the bicycle.
I don't think I want to see you. I doubt that I will be able to be as rational the next time.
I really know none of the problems we've had have been your fault. I'm an irresponsible person to live with and even more so to understand. How can one understand another who is barely on the verge of understanding himself. That's probably the reason why I've only had one long term relationship. Make it an even eight years May 20th.
Just remember, I've always thought you were a cut above the rest, so treat yourself in that fashion.
When you mentioned you would put yourself so far out of reach from me I wouldn't be able to touch you, I knew what you meant. I also know that right now I wouldn't be able to communicate verbally with you and make any sense because of the anger I hold, which is dormant now but can wake at any time.
I'll try to figure out a way to communicate with you so that you can have the kids ready for me when I pick them up.
I think I've broken another barrier by writing this letter. Normally I just shun myself from everything. But we've known each other too long for that to happen. Even though it took me approx. 10 hrs. to write this letter.

P.S. No offense to the ugly stupid motherfucker that was walking down the stairs. I've seen him but I don't know him.
I would call anybody names that was walking down the stairs. But He wouldn't be there unless he was invited.

Love,
-

Re: Hey

Hey,
I kind of expected hearing that from my mom. I mean a couple of months ago I told her how in the future I didn't really see myself with anyone and that ideally I would just be in a loft doing my art and being surrounded by it. THAT'S what would make me content. And at that moment she at least got behind me on my need to do art and nothing else, but she was like "Oh Steven, don't say that to your mom, I want you to have a family..." So it was a repeat of that. We cried a bit together. We are really close, which is one thing that they blamed themselves for. I don't understand this blaming business. My dad also blamed himself for being away on business for a lot of my childhood. I haven't talked to him yet.

As far as John goes, we had a night our last year, I think, where we talked about all of that stuff. What bothered us about each other in the beginning, what has changed, what still lingers, etc. The night at Lana's, I ended up staying at the apt because they decided to leave like an hour before we were supposed to return and I thought that was a waste seeing as how we were supposed to leave like two hours before then. And then Lana told me that he was talking a lot of shit about me and I was like, yeah people who think of themselves as "friends" shouldn't do that, especially about stupid things like that. Also, before we moved out we also lightly discussed the fact that we probably wouldn't really talk once we left. It was done kind of jokingly, but I think we both kinda believed it. I texted him once after moving out and he was surprised and was like "So...I guess we are talking...?". This was before Lana's.
I kinda felt like you did have some issues with me, but figured it was something that you didn't care to resolve. I had always considered you to be one of my better friends but had noticed that changing on some of the visits. Could you let me know a little more specifically about the closing off, or the hurtful things I have said? I know that in the beginning I was VERY closed off, sarcastic, defensive, and judgemental, but that was all just how I had learned to be from school and parts of growing up with my family. My family tends to joke a lot and avoid more of the serious issues, we also tend to not speak about the problems we are having. If we are mad at each other or something, we tend to ignore it until we forget about it. I have been learning how to get away from these things, but honestly I know that I still do some occasionally. And I have learned that some people are fine with the sarcasm and others are not. So I am sorry about all of that, and I am glad that you shared that with me.

I don't think I have carried any resentment towards you. Like I said, I have grown up with being able to, or forced to, expel certain things in order to realize the more important ones. Therefore, I'm pretty sure things have come up but I have gotten over them on my own. The only thing that has hurt me has been on certain trips up when I felt that you didn't really want to see me or talk to me especially since I DID feel like we were good friends. It felt like you were just counting down the minutes until I left, which was probably what you were doing, considering how I made you feel. I think you should know that when I spend time with people I usually want to either do an activity, or talk and it is difficult to do both at times. Because of this, a lot of visits are me wanting to do San Francisco stuff that I haven't been able to do in a while, as well as getting to talk. I think that with the amount of time we spend when we DO hang out is not enough for both, and I have always felt that sharing myself with others is boring for them and that they would rather be doing an activity.

So there it is. Also, I think you should know that I don't judge the people that I consider my true friends, and just in general, I have learned to judge people a lot less...unless it comes to art, but then again I'm judging the art not the people.
-Steven

Fri, 4/14/06 11:34 PM

Everything is falling down around me now. Crashing one by one like a Nazi firing squad. How did I get here? When did I lose my sanity? Do I have any idea what’s going on? All questions that I’ll never be able to answer. It’s all these assholes’ fault. Everyone in my life. They all sit around me and appreciate me and it’s sickening. They’re all idiots. They should spend their time doing more productive things instead of caring about me. Maybe they could build dams in Guatemala. Or sell crack on the streets of New York. Either way, they’d be making progress. Caring about me is like driving down a dead end road at 200 miles an hour. Oh you’ll get to the end alright, you’ll just never be satisfied when you’re there. You’ll only be disappointed. Yes there’s an on-ramp that takes you back to the beginning again, but you’re running lower and lower on gasoline every time. I don’t think anyone has run out yet, but I’m sure that a few of them are running on fumes. Their fuel gauges are all fucked up anyway. You can never trust those bastards. I need some grass or whiskey or something. Something to smooth these nerves. Every month I slowly wind myself tighter and tighter until, at the end of the month, I finally let loose in a tidal wave of shit. It’s like the Berlin wall coming down, only it stands for the opposite. It stands for injustice, and lack of reasoning. It all comes down to holding everyone I care about to higher standards. Maybe it’s common practice among people (or loonies), but I think I do it to extremes. I put them down for doing things that I do ten times over. But why? Because I think they’re better than me? Shit no, they’re swine. I’m the supreme King. But WHY then? Maybe it’s because I want to feel special. Or that they’re all characters in my masterpiece, and if they don’t go by my script there’ll be hell to pay. Shit, if they do something I don’t like they’ll get the silent treatment. The guillotine. Hell, maybe turn the Nazi firing squad on them. See how THEY like it. Put them inside my brain, onstage, front and center. Throw these rotten thoughts at them until they squirm. Hateful tomatoes and psychotic lettuce. Shit, that’s the ultimate punishment, being inside my head. If my mind were a form of punishment it would have been banned in the 1800’s, and they were sick fuckers back then. Lynchings, be-headings, flourishing art. But do they all really deserve this? No, not at all. I love them. But why beat them down with my negative attitude then? Because I can. They’ll keep coming back for more. They’re addicted, and like any good dealer, I abuse them. Raise the prices. My stock is rising, so why not have a little fun? Flex my controlling muscles? Because it’s WRONG, that’s why! What kind of sick fucker thinks like this? Hopefully a dead one. So I cool it. Hang out. Don’t be so critical. Let the chips fall. Then, when no one is looking, pick them all up and hoard them in some dark corner of my brain. Keep tabs on everything that everyone does, so that when the time is right I can remind them of that time they accidentally stepped on my toe in second grade. Then they’ll pay, oh yes. Silence again. Maybe some machine gun fire. What a grand old time it’ll be. They’ll rue the day they cared about me, oh yes. I’ll see to it.
Gibberish! Blasphemy! All crazy thoughts. Lock them away in that little black box in the back. No one will touch it until one day a new family moves in and some unsuspecting kid opens it and unleashes it all once again. Every month. New family, same results. I feel different, but end up in the same place. Less and less fuel. How long can I maintain before I take a different road? Is there a hidden off-ramp somewhere? Am I missing an important sign? I know what everyone is going to do and I know exactly how to get what I want. It’s a horrible curse. How do I rid myself of this skill. Frontal lobotomy? Electric shock? Heavy substance abuse? Cross dressing? No one knows, but one thing is for sure: I’ll undoubtedly be tuning in to some random AM station to listen for accident reports. Wherever I’m going, it’ll be a smooth ride. No unexpected stops. Full speed ahead, all the way. I can only ask one thing, and that is that you have some sympathy and some taste. If not, then at least have a large bottle of gin or a hammer waiting for me.

Dear Samantha,

So it's 10:50 p.m. and I have a midterm tomorrow which I still haven't studied for. I seem to be a big fan of winging things. Instead, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I fall in love with that movie every time I watch it. It's so beautiful, but sad. Anyway, now I'm listening to The Swell Season simultaneously thinking about high school and forgetting things. As strange as that time in our lives is and how silly and irrational the teen mind is, there's something about that moment we always want to recapture but somehow seem to push ourselves further away from. Lately I've been missing the 16 year old Jess. Don't you ever miss that Sam? I always think about the time we were discussing change and you said that people don't ever really change. I feel that that's true, and if it is maybe we should stop trying to change and just accept ourselves. I bet if our younger selves ever got to hang out with our older selves they would think we were pretty cool! They wouldn't see all the anxiety we have within us because of our own destructive thoughts. Anyway, what I think I'm trying to say is that maybe we should cut the expectations, stop trying to move forward and be something new and different. Instead, let's go backwards. And by backwards I don't mean regress, I mean recapture the people we've already been because those are the people we are. Every time I'm done writing to you I'm not sure if I've made any sense, but I trust in your ability to make sense out of my nonsense. In conclusion, I love you and I hope everything is great where you are.

Love,
Jess