It's weird for me to have to write this. Isn't life crazy? One minute I feel like I'm at one point in my life and then BOOM in a flash, everything clears up, and before my very eyes I'm in another point of my life. I don't know, shits weird..
I first need to tell you that I still care about you and I absolutely would never regret or forget the memories we've had. You and all my Seton Hall friends were the reason why I loved that chapter of my life so much. They will always be some of my favorite days. I could only ever have love for everyone who was part of my life then. I could cry just thinking about it.
When I returned to New Jersey for a New Years visit I was literally high above the clouds. I felt like I was back with my people, it felt so good. I saw everyone I wanted to see in the short week that I was there, but I didn't see you. I remember sitting on the train going back to Jane's house from the City, thinking, "What the fuck? How did this happen?" I remember feeling like our relationship changed and over the summer I realized how this happened.
I should have known when you COMPLETELY ditched me on the very last night I was in New Jersey. Right before I was leaving Jersey for good. I was leaving! What the fuck! Remember when we made that pact that we would spend my last night together? That we would be with each other until I had to go? You specifically invited me, Stacy and Danny over for the night and then MAYBE (and I'm being very generous here) 20 minutes after getting to your house you booted us out? And you know, it was all because of Caroline.
I'll never forget how much I wanted to punch you and Caroline in the face. It was supposed to be MY night and just because Caroline was "tired" and, in my opinion, cranky as hell, we had to leave. If I knew it would have ended like that I would have stayed at Cryan's, where everyone was literally crying their eyes out and clinging onto me, begging me not to leave. I remember you and Caroline walked us out to our car and the last thing I did was hug you and it was the worst feeling hug I've ever had. You put Caroline before me on one of the most emotional nights of my life.
This is your issue: you always become completely absorbed and desperately entrenched in your relationships with girlfriends that everything else in your life goes to shit. Oh, and just a side note---this really sticks out to me--I knew the whole time that you cheated on Caroline with my best friend. Jane told me every little fucking thing you guys did and what was said. It makes my skin crawl that you did that and never voiced it to me. And another thing, I knew the whole time you were kicked out of the band. Again, you never said anything to me. I can remember when you still pretended like you were going on the Summer tour with them. You clearly weren't.
I am shaking as I write this because I want to smack you in the face for making me feel this way, but deep down my heart is throbbing because you aren't doing anything to change. You know, I've grown up so much since starting Graduate school at Pepperdine. So far, it has truly been an amazing experience and I wish everyone could experience this. I even think you could have this if you really tried. Life has offered us such beautiful paths and we are lucky for those opportunities. Why be lazy and waste them? Where is the motivation? We are seriously a lazy as fuck race.
I'm already writing way too much, more than I intended. Here are my last thoughts:
1. Please stay in therapy. I hope you have been going and if you aren't, that you go immediately. You can and will benefit from therapy. Please be motivated to go because there is a lot of shit you need to work out in your life and trust me the hard, emotional work is WORTH IT.
2. Stop dating these random ass girls. You need time to heal your own scars and you only deepen them with every maladaptive, insignificant, rushed relationship you enter. IT'S TIME FOR YOU. NOT FOR THEM.
3. Keep up with your music. You know, you're a lucky guy to have this talent. Don't be a fool and let it slip up. After all, it is your dream, right?
I'm sorry for not expressing these feelings to you earlier. I definitely should have. I don't want to talk to you for a while. You can respond to this if you want, but I can't say I'll respond back. I'll always be here, but this break is needed. We'll see if life will bring our paths together again. Keep smiling and take care.